It’s been a few weeks since I last blogged. I have managed to change the name of the blog now but I am still having issues with changing the site name.
Its been a bit up and down since being back, the difference is with this, is that I deal with it a lot better than I did before. I ride the waves of the highs and lows so to speak and do not give my self a hard time, I speak to myself (not mad….admit it we all do 😉 ) and rationalise how I am feeling , use reasoning and evidence to back up the thoughts or realise they are just thoughts that my mind has just made up itself. It takes a lot of hard work but if you put the work in you will see the improvements in your life…..again they are not fast over night improvements but gradual over time.
It is under a month now until the 16 January 2019…..my last official day in the Army…..everything is in place for the move into civilian life….but for some reason my sub conscious has been subtly playing up in the background the last few weeks. My sleep has been disrupted and motivation has been eluding me…..however, where before the motivation issue would see me doing nothing at all, I have just rode the wave and got on with the boring stuff like cleaning and tidying but that has kept me just on enough of an even keel to keep me dropping below that line of dropping back down to the ‘dark side’ as I call it.
I believe its the excitement, nervousness and apprehension all rolled into one that is bubbling away under surface for the change in life that is becoming more of a reality the closer I get to that date! A positive future lies ahead of me am sure of it, this is because I am slowly changing little things in my life which will improve and give me a better outlook.
I was dreading Christmas when the build up started……back in October ;-), thats when it started wasn’t it lol. I decided to not even think about it or plan anything, people didn’t get cards or presents. This decision was taken due to finical reasoning (my last pay cheque coming in next month) and also I am still focussing on myself, this isn’t selfish, I need to be at the best I can be whilst going through this transition, adding extra worries and stress at this time I decided would not be a good idea….as although I am in a better place than I was 18 months ago…..piling on stress and worry on top of other things wouldn’t be good. My self awareness makes it easier for me to understand this now, so my guilt trips have been pretty none excitant, which is another break through in my recovery.
Its also been good to interact with fellow serving and veterans throughout this period, helping each other and supporting each other, as we all get each other and understand where we are all coming from. Last Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas, I enjoyed it though as I was helping at Crisis For Christmas in London, spending time and speaking to fellow human beings who generally don’t get treated like human beings, for most of the year. Hearing their stories and seeing them smile and feeling like someone cares and they actually mean something to someone was great. This year a little bit of what the Christmas spirit actually means to me, has surfaced again, I just want you all to know if you are suffering and not in a good place, there is light at the end of the tunnel….its hard work but achievable!
I hope you have all had a great Christmas day and are enjoying the left overs today….I will blog again soon, until then look after yourself!